Jumpy

Yesterday was just one of those days where my heart was extra heavy the entire day. Everything weighed a little bit more heavily on it. Not that I was down or out, but that I came to the edge of facing my biggest fear: losing what I love. An experience like yesterday only makes me realize how much I really do love Carlin.

Doc asked us how long we'd known each other in the tiny office at the Chinatown clinic: "2 months," Carlin shot back at him without hesitation. I think I was as shocked as the doc when he said that! Have we really only known each other two months? I am not scared about anything; I know this is what I want, this is where I want my life to go, this is my new path and he is the person I wan to share the long road with. After he collapsed into Anna's door yesterday morning and I pounded on his chest screaming "babe babe babe" and he came to suddenly, as I saw his eyes come alive and back to the world, I was absolutely positive that he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am positive that Carlin is the love of my life and with him I am happy, no matter what else happens.

For crying out loud, I found out I got Head Teacher position this summer at my favorite job that I thought I was being let go from because they cut half the teachers. Instead of cutting me, a 2 year TA, they promoted me. And upon hearing such news, I barely reacted. I was so paralyzed and stunned still, not able to grasp my feelings on what had happened earlier in the morning.

Directly after he fainted, he went to the couch and I sat beside him on the floor in my towel, still shaking. It wasn't the most dangerous thing that I've witnessed, but I could easily put it at the scariest moment of my life. The person I love so much went limp in front of my helpless gimp self. His life was placed in my hands at that moment, and I didn't feel altogether prepared. I mean, I know what I would try to do if he hadn't come to so quickly. I thought, 911, CPR, call Jackie. I sat by the couch watching him recover slowly from a free fall onto the floor and I joked with him about his beard, and us living in Meg's Westy in the woods at the edge of town, and marrying him. He teared up and told me he had never loved me more.

Later on in the day, I realized he had completely forgotten that conversation. I am still glad that we had it.