Half-Year, Half-June

June 14th, 2010

You know, it sounds pretty heavy for me to be writing to you about how you have changed my life, but as I look back at what 2010 has been for me thus far, I think about how you have truly affected my life and how positively different my life has been since I met you. 

Approximately, I have known you for half a year now; yet it seems so much longer than that. The other day I was thinking about where I was and who I was and what life was offering me on January 1st, 2010 (or even just in the month of January). The difference that you have made in my life from the first day I met you is incredible. 

When looking back I would like to be able to say that I was not an unhappy person then; but now that I reflect on January, I see that I was confused and lost and missing something and yes, I was in fact not happy. 

Here is a confession: I had insomnia in January. I stayed up many nights very unhappy with my life. I tried so hard to think of how I could fix my unhappiness, but I could not find any solutions and so just stood awake wondering what was wrong. I then tried to find ways to fix my insomnia, and could not solve the problem. I tried reading more, studying Spanish, writing to friends/family, writing just to practice writing, I simply tried to be productive and feel worthwhile; in the end, I felt depressed and worthless. I could not figure out why I felt this way. Perhaps it was because I had finished teaching two college writing courses in the fall and what lied ahead was only coaching little kids, a roster-less lacrosse team, and a few months of middle school basketball. Beyond February, I didn't see much purpose in what I was doing. I was 'just a coach'. I tried to come to terms with this idea that coaching isn't an easy and worthless job, that I was in fact doing some good, that I was improving myself in some way, but I could not actually feel inside my heart that my life was on the right track. 

Now, it may not seem that you have much to do with my professional life taking a turn for the better, but the way I see it you have everything to do with my life taking the right turn and getting back on track. Now that I look back on it, I know it has to do with love and finding the person I want to spend my life with, but I also see that it was much more about perfect timing. 

In my constant contemplating and wondering and dreaming I had this relentless itch to travel. I wanted to take off in the summer and leave New York forever. I also was traveling as much as I could to figure out where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do and why I really wanted to travel so badly. I wanted, in traveling, to figure out the mystery that was my mind, my heart, my soul. Within a couple months, I travelled to Colorado, California, Aruba, home, and--finally--Costa Rica. Costa Rica was the only place that taught me anything worth learning. The reason: you were in New York. 

I didn't want to travel to escape; I wanted to travel to find what I was looking for. Finally, I found it in you, in New York. That last trip to Costa Rica made me realize I had finally gotten to that point in my life where things would begin to piece together and truly make sense. You were the first major piece of that puzzle, and now being here in Quepos and getting certified to teach EFL/ESL I am discovering another major piece of the puzzle: I want to teach ESL and develop my teaching craft around language. I've always known that teaching was my passion, but it is narrowing itself and becoming more specific, more real, and more possible. 

I haven't had the best of luck with money or health this year, but I have struck gold in love and passion; and I've always known that those two blessings are the necessary ingredients to happiness in this life.